Boxed in.

The last few weeks have been filled with some of the best and worst moments. The guilt of losing it on my children (over and over again), confusion of a surreal present, an unknown future and a long list of to-do’s. Yet I feel like it’s taking every ounce of me to just survive.. Add to that an overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself. Some moments I feel consumed with joy and blessed to have time to spend as a family. To grow, teach, experience… But those moments are fleeting.  And honestly, I have been feeling waves of depression. Watching my body grow from feeding it copious amounts of food and desserts. Feeling like my dreams are being crushed ever so slowly with every passing day. They have been replaced by my work as a full-time maid, chef, doctor, narrator, referee, entertainer, stroller chauffeur… 

As I crawled in bed the other night I tried to process all the thoughts and feelings. But felt a barrier. Like I just couldn’t tap into that safe place. This morning I wrote about my experience (see below) as I tried to process internally last night. Today is a new day. It may be great, and it may be hard. But I feel a slight sense of relief. Understanding. 

Maybe you can relate, maybe not. But this is my reality. And I believe may be true for many of you mothers out there. We are in this together.

I’m in a large box.
White and almost blinding.
The size of a small warehouse.
It appears empty.
But I can feel the burden.
The fear.
The unknown.
The to-do lists.
The disappointment.

As I stand in the space
It begins to fill with items.
Though I can’t make out specifics
I know these are my burdens.
My fears.
My questions.
My tasks.

I feel a vibration.
One of angst.
Of pressure.
It feels unshakable.
No matter which way I turn,
I am consumed.

I cry out.
The kind of cry
that uses every muscle in your body.
That shoots adrenaline
out of every limb.

I realize I am not the only one breathing.
I tune into the whisper of another.

There He stands.
Calm and unshaken.
Asking with his eyes
To carry my burdens.

Unsure how to release such a space to another,
I fold over in defeat.
How? How? How?

“Just say yes.”
…..
I whisper in hesitation,
“yes.”

The box begins to spin around us.
Picking up speed.
My hair blowing in the force.
The walls lift off the ground.
Yet we stand,
strongly planted.

I watch as His hands
spin the box faster and further.
It begins to turn to dust.
Falling back down to the earth.

And as the dust surrounds us
it starts to spin again.
But it grows…
Vines, flowers, leaves, birds, laughter.

No longer surrounded by burdens
But instead the most freeing of beauty.
New growth spreading to the depths of the horizon.

In that moment, we stand still.
Hand in hand.
Grounded.
Filled.
Fearless.
Free.

If you are struggling with anxiety or depression in this season, I would highly recommend listening to Dr. Caroline Leaf’s podcasts. She recently recorded one on the Coronavirus pandemic and answers questions from her listeners. Questions specific to: how to talk to your children about our current situation, trouble sleeping, using anxiety to boost your immune system, etc. If you are interested in listening click here.

If you would like to dive a little further into your mind and into some deeper healing, she has some great books. I highly recommend Switch on your Brain.

Heads up: her books are faith based. But people of all persuasions are reaping the benefits. This book scientifically explains the power of the mind and it’s ability to completely change your life.. mentally, emotionally and physically. If you are looking for something more neutral, her podcasts are for everyone and totally awesome.

Stay safe friends. - Ashlee