I'm 30.
This evening I find myself sitting at a quaint little desk in a cute little 3rd floor walk-up apartment in East Village, Manhattan.. thinking about the last 10 years of my life and the years to come. I don't know if it's the hormones of pregnancy or the fact that I am actually moved by my birthday this year, but I feel emotional this evening. Not bad emotion... more a feeling of overwhelming gratefulness.
At times I have a tendency to be critical of myself. Wait, that's a lie... I am very critical of myself... You know that saying, "you are your biggest critic"? Well, that's definitely true for me. As my 30th birthday approached this year I had thoughts like.. "Am I really where I want to be?", "Wasn't I supposed to be running my own business by now?", "Wait, I was supposed to be insanely fit, finished having children and entering my 30's kicking ass". Instead I was feeling slightly disappointed by my chubby butt, the work environments I have been in and the fact that I thought I would have hit it big by now. And then, it was like something warm and comforting enveloped me and a flood of memories filled my head.
In my 20's I have graduated college, moved into my own apartment, had some kick-ass jobs that I never could have imagined even existed, made some of the most special friendships (both random people and coworkers who became like family), traveled the world, have married, bought a house, pushed a baby out of my vagina (biggest boss move of any woman's life), and am now carrying another feisty little one inside me. I mean, what the hell?? How on earth could I ever feel disappointed in myself?! I'm in no way saying these last ten years have been all wonderful... I have made some VERY stupid decisions, hurt people I loved, gained 45 pounds from emotional eating and drinking in one year, felt more rejection from places and people I never thought was possible.. but still, even with all that crap, I feel VICTORIOUS.
Now entering this next chapter of life I feel excited, encouraged, hopeful. I still have some fears and concerns about things but I am filled with dreams! I don't want to get to 40 and look back and wish I had spent this time differently. I want to love deeply, give all of myself to my husband and children, improve in discipline to set a better example for my kids, take a road trip to Alaska in a camper I renovated, finally get the glasses I have needed for too long, delve into yoga and give my body the strength it's yearning for, see more of the world while conquering my anxiety to fly and help people find their own inner gladiator --- I want to change lives.
In a weird way it sounds like I am creating New Years resolutions... lame. That's not what these are. My heart is longing for these things. Not in a "i'm going to lose 10 pounds in 3 months by cutting out sugar" kind of way. There is no time limit, nor end goal. My dreams are things that should take time and be given the nurturing they need to flourish. So there will be no rushing.
I am so thankful to be where I am today and really wouldn't change a thing about the last 10 years. Even the crappy stuff. It has made me into the woman I am today and I am so very grateful to those of you who have stood by my side through the last decade. Even when I'm sure it would have been easier to walk away. I love this life I have and I truly hope that those of you reading this take the time to really think about your life and count your blessings. However big or small they are. Goodnight from New York. See you all on the flip side.
love - ashlee